feels like a fading light
by gathers-no-moss
Summary: Before he knew what was happening, the words were slipping out of his mouth, easier than he had anticipated, but still raw. "I know about you and Sawyer."


_Title: Conversations With A Loved One_

_Summary: Jack tells Kate he knows and the fall out._

_Spoilers: Post "I Do"; but no spoilers for episodes beyond that._

_Author's Notes: PLEASE READ. This started out as an one-shot, but I've quickly realized that wasn't going to work. So now I'm spacing it out over probably three chapters. The next chapter is going to deal with Kate's captivity and her frame of mind. And why the sex happened. The third one will probably be about Jack understanding Kate's actions and what it means for their relationship. I'll try to have the chapters up soon, but as they haven't been written yet…Read, review, and enjoy! _

_Disclaimer: No mine; Don't sue_

* * *

The plastic bottles thudded against each other as he slung the backpack over his shoulders, adjusting it to the right length before heading out for the caves. Hints of sunlight shown through the tree branches at just the right impact, bringing light into the darkened world he was now journeying through. But his mind couldn't comprehend the beauty of it. Thoughts of his time with The Others invaded what little room he had at rapid speed. Things they'd done, things they'd said, things he'd seen. 

_Kate with Sawyer. _No matter how hard he tried, the image stayed with him, gutting him with every stab. Betrayal tortured him, even though he knew it didn't have the right.

"_I'm sorry I kissed you."_

"_I'm not._

Then those words would pierce his skull, and he couldn't fathom how it had all been a lie. A part of him wanted to put all the pieces together. There had to be a reason. But what reason would be good enough?

The trek lasted longer than he had anticipated. And to his dismay, the waterfall wasn't the only thing that greeted his eyes when he entered the rocky cavern.

_Kate._

The bottom dropped out of his stomach. He quickly adjusted his eyes to the shadows, nervously running over different scenarios. How could he escape without being heard or seen? He backed up slowly, stumbling over a misplaced rock, cursing himself for his clumsiness, cursing because she'd heard the commotion, and was now turning in his direction.

Kate struggled with the guilt of actually being in his presence. For a few precious moments, she wanted to be free of it. She hadn't seen nearly enough of the doctor in the days he'd been back. Either he had been avoiding her, or she had been avoiding him. But she was happy to see him now. She graced him with a small smile, standing up to greet him. "Hey, Jack."

It had been so long since he had been this close to her. His fists clenched at his sides, whether from fighting the urge to touch her, or in irritation that he wasn't alone anymore, he didn't know. "I didn't know you would be here."

"I needed to be alone for awhile." She glanced at his backpack, wiping her hands on her jeans. "Looks like you needed it to."

"People are either too curious, or they're avoiding me." His mouth spread into a tight-lipped smile, trying to joke, but the humor was lost to them both. He kneeled down beside the water. "It's getting old."

"It was the same way with me and Sawyer," she explained, a guilty expression crowding her face. Thank God he had his back turned. She watched with interest as he took the empty bottles out of his backpack, setting them down in a row, never noticing the wince that shook him at the mention of Sawyer. "I can help, if you want me to."

"It's really a one person job_." _

"Let me help, Jack." She pressed her hand into his shoulder, pretending not to notice when he visibly jumped at her touch. He was probably just jumpy from his time in captivity. But a slightly uneasy feeling crept through her, and she had the sneaking suspicion it might have something to do with her. The thought gnawed away at her confidence, but she decided to work through it. "It would help take my mind off things."

He wiped away the sweat trickling down his face before dipping his hands into the cool water. He was deathly afraid that he would blurt out something inappropriate about her cage tryst. His heart admitted to wanting her to stay, despite his reservations, but his mind was telling him a different story. So he compromised. "You don't need my permission."

"Thanks." She heaved a sigh of relief, kneeling down so she could reach the water bottles. The only sounds permitted between them were the sounds of the jungle, near, but feeling far away. They continued filling the bottles in silence, both wanting the connection that still remained between them, if only to remind themselves it was still there, despite certain circumstances.

Their hands met on the last bottle, his covering hers. Pools of brown stared back at her, wistfulness swimming in the depths, covering up an unquenchable pain that remained hidden from view. His hand tightened on hers for an instant, savoring the moment, before he could take it away. Their time was short. Feelings of betrayal jump started his body. In a lightning-fast motion, he was a few feet away from her. Her heart sank. _What had The Others done to him? _

She voiced her concern gently, in a non threatening way. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Though he knew exactly what she was talking about. Knew why she was asking. He'd seen the concern in her eyes. The pity. Time to get the hell out of there.

She stood up. Her eyes probed his for answers. "About your time with the others. You've been awfully quiet about it."

This conversation was apparently going to happen. "No." Brief. Short. To the point. He ignored the hurt expression.

Her eyes grew large. "Have I done something wrong?" _Yes, but your not going to tell him that._

He stiffened at the question. "What?"

"You refuse to talk to me. You've refused to talk to anyone."

A warning cloud settled on his features, but he kept his voice soft. "I'm tired, Kate. And I have a lot on my mind." A weak argument, but one nonetheless.

She didn't buy it. "The Others played a lot of head tricks on us. Played with us mentally and physically. You should talk about it with someone who went through the same experiences."

Jack laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "We did not have the same experiences, believe me."

The tensing of her jaw betrayed her deep frustrations. Like he wasn't aware of them anyway. I'm just trying to help."

_The same way you helped Sawyer? _He set his chin in a stubborn line, using the bottles as an excuse not to look up, stuffing them into his backpack angrily. _"_I don't need any help. I'm fine."

She grabbed his hand, digging her fingers into his wrist. "You once asked me if I had your back. I want to have your back now."

He somehow managed to pull away from her, a heated frown on his face, standing up to face her, face flushed. _I can't believe she's using my words against me. _"I told you I'm fine."

Kate exploded, raising her hands in anger, her chest heaving. "That's bullshit. If our situations were reversed, you would be doing the exact same thing."

_She's right, you know. _He ignored the voice in his head, growling out his words. "Don't push me, Kate. Just don't goddamn push me."

Only one other person could match his stubbornness. She folded her arms, frustration and impatience spilling onto the ground. "Someone needs to."

"Don't Kate. . ."

"Don't Kate me," she interrupted. "Stop trying to protect me from whatever horrible things you're going to say. I'm a big girl Jack. I can handle it."

But could he? The sick feeling in his stomach grew. Anger disappeared. Seeing it was one thing, but admitting it out loud was another. One look into her eyes told him that he wasn't going to get out of it that easily. _Despite everything, despite what he thought of as betrayal, he still cared about her. Still loved her. Even if she didn't feel the same way. _But what about that touch from before? _Something had been in her eyes. . . _Hope swirled inside him, but he quickly banished it. Everything, it appeared, was in league to confuse him. To make him feel even more miserable. Maybe those thoughts were what fueled him, he didn't know. Before he knew what was happening, the words were slipping out of his mouth, easier than he had anticipated, but still raw. "I know about you and Sawyer."

The color drained from her face. Her eyes widened in alarm. "What about me and Sawyer_?" Please God not that. Please let him be talking about something else. _She wasn't ready for this. She needed time to prepare.

He continued as if she hadn't said a word. "The others planned it, I'm pretty sure. To break me. Because they knew how much you meant to me." _Might as well tell her everything. __"_Someone unlocked the glass cage," he continued. "I walked into another room that had guns displayed. . .and the monitors had you and Sawyer. . ."

_Not like this. He wasn't suppose to find out like this. _To her surprise, words tiptoed passed her tongue. "Cameras were watching us?"

"Yeah."

She covered her mouth, horrified at the words he'd spoken. No wonder he'd been distant. "You saw us. . ." She stumbled over the words ". . . .having sex?"

Thinking he should be slightly offended at her tone, he turned bright red, and quickly corrected her. "No," he answered firmly. "Just. . .afterwards."

If possible, her face drained even more. She imagined that had been worse than seeing the actual act. Her and Sawyer cuddling. Like an actual couple. She closed her eyes, moaning softly to herself. _This isn't real._

Jack watched in fascination as every possible emotion played across her face, trying to decipher which one was more prominent. But his trust in her was shaken. Kate was a manipulator. She could very well be playing him.

Gathering her strength, Kate managed to open her eyes, expecting him to be staring at her, waiting for an explanation. But strange relief filled her when she noticed that he was preparing to leave. She watched in silence, guilt-ridden and shaken.

The air around them tingled with the secret he'd imparted only minutes before.

He left her there.

Their relationship would never be the same.


End file.
